There is only so much one can take before he has to decide if the whole thing is worth it.

I have come to that point. I had taken a stand. No more giving in. Its believe me or nothing now.

This is not a threat. This is the only way after I tried your path. I cannot admit to something I did not do, but I tried being contrite and accommodating. I put up with your remarks and insinuations, even as we agree to put things behind us and move on. I agree to all your requests/demands/conditions. I wanted to move on.

Well here we are. Maybe we will move on from this. Maybe we wouldn’t. All I can say is that come what may, the truth of what really happened cannot be changed. Time will tell.

17th April, 2009

Night.

“You don’t have the right to call me anything anymore.”

Later, an sms.

“I just threw the fox away.”

STUPID STUPID STUPID!
How can I lose her pen!

STUPID!

… I saw:

A six car pile up.
A herd of cows foraging next to a meat factory.
A bubble tea cafe. Taiwanese bubble tea cafe.
A leaking dam. Yes, a gushing leak.

I hate this city.

Full of the memories and mistakes of a year past. Everywhere I walk, it dredged another memory of the last time here.

Tomorrow’s departure cannot come too soon.

i was hoping we could be
sitting at the door looking out to sea.
i was hoping we could be
making up plans,start a new life
just you and me

i was hoping we could be
making up a song, singing it together in harmony
i was hoping we could be
falling in love, all over again
we could be.

- Shirlyn

… dreaming she’s with him.

Worst is waking up to a life without her.

… along the streets, the waves of lonliness hit me over and over again. I broke down, and no one cared.

I can’t remember the last time I felt this conflicted.

Without you, one night alone
Is like a year without you,
If you have a heart of stone
Without you, can’t stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide

We should be out celebrating our six month aniversary now. Instead, we’re looking at the one month after breakup.

I miss your smile, the one that makes everything a little paler with its brightness. I miss your zany laughter where your mouth is wide open and your shoulders will shake. I miss your questioning of my every assumptions, our constant debates and arguments over the current issues of the day. I love you for being a liberal and hating George Bush with me. I love that you actually think and have an opinian, a strong female. I love that you are not the typical gu niang who’s soft and expect the man to do everything for her. I love that you DO want to be pampered from time to time as well, and for making me feel privileged in doing so. I listened to you singing “I’m Yours” over and over again, and when you sang it before we got together, I pretend you were directing it to me. I go absolutely nuts whenever you speak in that cute voice. I adored the fact that you like animals, because no one who loves animals the way you do can ever be that bad a person. I wanted to be with you, desperately, but I did not know how until you showed me the way that afternoon. When you held my hand, time froze, and for one transient moment, I was at bliss, with the knowledge that you liked me too. The first month is still like a dream; that trip to the jungle like heaven.

You may not believe me, but that does not make the above things any less true. And in the end, that’s what hurts the most. Of all the what could have beens, you were the one that made me want to be a better man, to buck up and be worthy of you. You were the one that I actually actively planned a future for, factoring you into my future. You were the one I desperately want my family to like, and I yearned to be accepted by your family. I thought of the next year, five years and many more with you, and how it would be like. And when it all came crashing down… …

I wish we could be happy together again.