dagger’s take on things

17th April, 2009

Night.

“You don’t have the right to call me anything anymore.”

Later, an sms.

“I just threw the fox away.”

STUPID STUPID STUPID!
How can I lose her pen!

STUPID!

… dreaming she’s with him.

Worst is waking up to a life without her.

… along the streets, the waves of lonliness hit me over and over again. I broke down, and no one cared.

We should be out celebrating our six month aniversary now. Instead, we’re looking at the one month after breakup.

I miss your smile, the one that makes everything a little paler with its brightness. I miss your zany laughter where your mouth is wide open and your shoulders will shake. I miss your questioning of my every assumptions, our constant debates and arguments over the current issues of the day. I love you for being a liberal and hating George Bush with me. I love that you actually think and have an opinian, a strong female. I love that you are not the typical gu niang who’s soft and expect the man to do everything for her. I love that you DO want to be pampered from time to time as well, and for making me feel privileged in doing so. I listened to you singing “I’m Yours” over and over again, and when you sang it before we got together, I pretend you were directing it to me. I go absolutely nuts whenever you speak in that cute voice. I adored the fact that you like animals, because no one who loves animals the way you do can ever be that bad a person. I wanted to be with you, desperately, but I did not know how until you showed me the way that afternoon. When you held my hand, time froze, and for one transient moment, I was at bliss, with the knowledge that you liked me too. The first month is still like a dream; that trip to the jungle like heaven.

You may not believe me, but that does not make the above things any less true. And in the end, that’s what hurts the most. Of all the what could have beens, you were the one that made me want to be a better man, to buck up and be worthy of you. You were the one that I actually actively planned a future for, factoring you into my future. You were the one I desperately want my family to like, and I yearned to be accepted by your family. I thought of the next year, five years and many more with you, and how it would be like. And when it all came crashing down… …

I wish we could be happy together again.

So I told the story for what I hope is the last time yesterday to Kanmei. I did not really want to relive it again. But it was Kanmei. Some things never change.

She agrees with the other one that the whole situation has been pretty unfair to me as well. And right on cue, I found myself trying to defend her again. Kanmei says I’m too nice; she just gave me that glare she does and left it at that. Some things never change.

Perhaps its really true that nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai. Times like this I wish there really is a supranormal being that I can appeal to for understanding. Reflection only gets me this far; I don’t have anyone with the right perspective, and knowledge of my history.

But Kanmei really surprised me. She picked up the gist of the story and could even predict where things were going, though she missed some of the more extreme happenings. We even had similar views on her behaviour. She’s bad news for you, she said. It’s better that you don’t get involved with her. I listen, but still I wonder if I could say no if things do change.

This just reminds me of how well she knows me. Wasn’t it only a few years ago that I was the one listening to her boyfriend stories? Things change.

… was not painful at all.

Breath.

… as I stared into the darkness. The light from the handphone showed 03:12, no calls, no messages. Tossing and turning does not help at all.

I just realised, for the first time in a long, long,  while, I don’t turn away at the thought of being alone.